Still searching....

I’m asking myself this constantly.

I mean, I can’t hide that I’m sick, I can’t hide that I sometimes feel like shit and I sure can’t hide that I’m not abled to do, what others do.

Since my latest “flare” (fibro’s been pretty silent for about 2 years and is now showing up again), I see how many of my friends forgot or even never knew that I’m sick.

I constantly feel the urge to excuse myself for my behaviour/for not being abled to do certain things. And I actually just don’t want to!

It’s just that a lot of my “friends” just don’t seem to inform themselves. It’s a bit like they don’t take it too seriously, that’s why they don’t need to. 

But then, instead of showing them what my life is really about, it just looks like I’m exaggerating things. And that’s not what I want… 

I fear some of them might think I’m just constantly crying for pity, but actually I HATE being pitied. But I also hate being treated like I just act like a whiny pussy. Cause I’m not. 

 It’s this kind of dilemma I just can’t think a way out of.

Maybe I just forget the one’s that don’t get it. They can kiss my ass. 

I’m sick of having “friends” I can’t talk to or who do not talk to me. I don’t need anybody in my life who doesn’t think I’m important, or who I regard as important.

I don’t have the energy to make people like me. You like me, or you don’t. if you don’t, just jog on!

When you’re diagnosed with an illness that’s not curable, when you’re told that you will spend the rest of your life being ill, never again being abled to do what others do on a regular basis..

everybody expects you to be strong. All the time we see these pictures of happy people, people living happily with their illness. Nobody wants to see pictures of somebody crying in a wheelchair. Nobody wants to see people lying in bed being in pain.

But what about the people who are not strong? Who do not smile all the time, because of their pain and fear and despair?

Nobody is happy all the time, especially not those, who have to deal with pain daily.

Most people don’t understand what daily pain can do to people. It doesn’t even have to be THAT painful to torture you.

And they definitely don’t know how much luck they have to be healthy.

We see people throw away their bodies and their health ALL THE TIME. Just because they don’t know how it feels to be sick for the rest of your life. These are sometimes the same people that judge you for feeling bad about being ill.

But we, we definitely don’t WANT to be sick. We don’t want to feel that way and if there was a way to be happier- damn right we would want to!

Sometimes I’m happy and joyful, despite the way my body feels. Because my body is me, but I am not my body! Sometimes some of us think about breaking down this connection, but I won’t.

Still sometimes we are weak. We cry, we whine and we moan.

But.. who are you to judge us? Most of the times we are much stronger than most people need to be at any time in their lives.